Thanks for coming in, Kanye. Please, sit down. Can we get you some SoylentTM? Some damn croissants?

Listen, you’re a huge thinkfluencer in the music and fashion space. Your MSG listening party/ fashion show redefined the concept of “passing the aux cord” for millennials, and The Life of Pablo was a real killer app for Tidal. The album definitely sounds like it was the product of a 48 hour hackathon.

Frankly, we were shocked to hear that you’re $53 million in debt. But we’re glad you’ve chosen us to be a partner in your portfolio turnaround strategy. I think I speak for everyone at Ultra Light Capital when I say we’re thrilled about most of what’s in Donda’s “Categories of Influence Organizational Chart.” Your commitment to disruption across an impressive number of verticals is unparalleled. 

DONDA's plan for world domination

DONDA’s plan for world domination

We’re looking to give you as much runway as possible to act on your grand ambitions. There’s nothing we love more than acting as an incubator for conversation-shifting concepts like cloud-based wearables, crowdsourced dogsitting services, and on-demand molecular gastronomy popups. Your vision meshes perfectly with that tradition of innovation. With that said, there were a few… let’s just say “tweaks” we wanted to run by you. The last thing we’d ever want to do is distract you from your creative process, so let’s just dive into our feedback and we can huddle up once you have time to change your album again.


Luxury Search Engine

This is a great starting point. The search engine space is ripe for disruption — it’s about time somebody offered consumers a new way to stalk job applicants and cheat at bar trivia. I respect your idea to rank search results by “dopest shit with the most creative integrity,” but the fact that I searched for “Nike” and the top result was a white supremacist message board suggests that we might want to think about tweaking the algorithm a bit more. Pretty much every image searchyielded 300 photos of your face, which was pretty unsettling.

Kanye Luxury Search Engine

Happy Kanye

Fitness

Niche fitness concepts are all the rage these days. I mean, my husband practically lives at the simulated altitude guided treadmill workout gym. I just worry that a boxing class specifically training you to fight paparazzi is just a little too niche. Calling the gym “Equinox II” probably presents a few trademark issues, and I worry that your insistence that membership be restricted to “bad bitches that are also freaks” and “guys who only eat veggies and skip leg day” could be taken the wrong way. Maybe we can propose a more body-positive image of our clientele and get people to work out their lower body? If you meet us halfway you can keep the “Sex-tape shape-up” pilates class.

Hovercrafts

The only note you had here was “BE THE FIRST HIP HOP MOGUL TO MAKE DIDDY KONG RACING REAL.” Still trying to figure that one out, but we’ve got a bunch of ex-Tesla engineers hard at work on cracking it.

Diddy Hovercraft

Kanye Hovercrafts


Wave Energy

That you were already thinking of how to harness the energy from recently-confirmed gravitational waves  is exactly the kind of visionary thinking we bought into, even if the technology might not be there yet. That certainly hasn’t stopped us from making exploratory investments in alternative energy in the past, so we had a team of particle physicists at MIT investigate your concept. While your critique of solar energy on the ground that “Sun don’t shine in the shade” was sound, your central argument that enough energy to power a city grid could be harnessed by “Calling Max B in prison and broadcasting his freestyles into the ocean while Sia makes whale sounds” isn’t grounded in any kind of accepted scientific theory.

Max Bigavelli

Banks/Rewards Programs

Just to make sure the room is up to speed, I’ll read off the roadmap you provided for this one:

“Give you a loan, Kanye.

To buy a home, Kanye.

That you can own, Kanye.

Free credit card, Kanye.

No APR, Kanye.

Just APC’s, Kanye.

No hidden fees, Kanye.

FDIC, Kanye.

You should build credit, Kanye.

Don’t gotta spend it, Kanye.

Travel rewards, Kanye.

Exotic whores, Kanye.

No minimum balance, Kanye.

Credit limit based on talent, Kanye.  

Mutual funds, Kanye.

Invest in bonds, Kanye.

Credit default swaps, Kanye.”

Ok. We love that you integrated an a capella’d 16 bars into the business plan, but I worry that your lending policy is based on the same kind of fiduciary policy that led to the housing bubble around the time Graduation dropped. Let’s get some outside consultants from Bain in on this one.

Container Company

First of all, we love “The Kanyener Store” as a name. Brand recall is a major key in the storage space space. However, I think your insistence that Virgil Abloh and Hedi Slimane personally approve of the items that the customer says they’ll be putting in their “Kanyener” means this concept will be very difficult to scale.

Fam, you better not be using that container to store all of those fits you bricked.

Fam, you better not be using that container to store all of those fits you bricked.

Emoticon Autocorrect

Love the idea. Tech’s interception and externalization of our emotional feedback loop is perhaps THE most disruptive moment in evolutionary psychology since Freud found a cocaine dealer. A patent for emoticon autocorrect fits in perfectly with the image of a tech demagogue we’re trying to help you build. I’m tracking with your suggestion to autocorrect any form of transportation to the hovercraft emoji (that’s just synergy at work). But in this sociopolitical climate, I worry that autocorrecting any emoji of a woman to the peach already could be seen as sexist and reductive, and adding the eggplant/water splash combo right after that doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. We’re trying to get you on TechCrunch, Kanye, not on Jezebel.  

Manufacturers

Manufacturing as a lifestyle element. Putting the class back in working class. Love the concept. Revolutionary, really. I do worry that your plans to  “give workers control over the means of production,” “subvert the modern bourgeoisie by selling them proletarian garments for thousands of dollars,” and “let the ruling class tremble at a Communistic revolution” may be a bit too disruptive. I’ll certainly bring it up with the rest of the board, but I think convincing Zuckerberg, the Koch brothers and Rupert Murdoch to buy into this one might be difficult.

Kanye Russian Revolution 2

The Kanyenist Manifesto

 

So are we aligned? I say we all get a good snoooooze, tackle some of the low-hanging fruit like “Music Recorded” or “Music Live” and then move on to retooling these bigger needle-moving projects. Cool, with you Kanye?

Anyways, here’s that billion dollars you wanted.