When they aren’t being talked down to by a variety of television pundits, fossilized opinion columnists and war criminals, today’s young voters are on Tinder, what was once thought to be our generation’s last refuge from having to worry about anything other than the fundamental act of gettin’ it in.

It's important to include an action shot to let potential matches know that you have hobbies beyond destroying the bourgeoisie from within its own system.

It’s important to include an action shot to let potential matches know that you have hobbies beyond destroying bourgeois-capitlaist political structures from within.

Sadly, even our hookup apps are now a politicized space. Just last week,  Bernie Sanders supporters were kicked off of Tinder for using the app as a campaigning tool. It seems like the idea of watching Bernie bend over the billionaire class and really rip them a new one just doesn’t stir the loins of young singles.

Many of us may be feeling the Bern, but I’m pretty sure the founding fathers had a rap battle about how an open discourse is a major key to a very lit democracy. So in the interest of equal time, I came up with a few pickup lines that supporters of each candidate could use to make their case without technically violating Tinder’s guidelines.  These are all pretty much guaranteed to work, so if you’re not careful you’ll be feeling a completely different kind of Bern soon enough (ifyouknowwhatimean).

Let’s dive into it.

 

Jeb Bush

(I'm the one on the right)

(I’m the one on the right)

Hey there. If I can be honest, I’m not totally sure what I’m doing here. Everyone I know was pushing me to get on Tinder so I figure I might as well download it, whatever. It was exciting at first, but a lot of folks have unmatched me already. I still would like to think there’s somebody out there holding onto the idea that I’m right for them. Maybe you dated my brother in the past. Or my dad. Or both! You’re cool with sloppy seconds/thirds, right? Come on I paid millions of dollars for Tinder Premium

 

Please go out with me. 

 

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz

Wow. A girl matched with me on tinder. In fact, the first sentence I ever said was “I like Tinder.” Look: I know I’m not very popular, and I’m sure you’re thinking about how punchable my face is and you’re probably getting the sense that I inflate my own accomplishments, but you matched with me. The Bible tells us a relationship begins at the moment of a match much like life begins at conception. If you dispute my assertion of control over who you date and what you do with your body, you’re probably a who’re doomed to the fires of hell. Anyways, I’m thinking we should grab a coffee at Tim Horton’s.

John Kasich

Kasich Tinder

Alright, let’s face it. I’m the only reasonable person you’re gonna find on here. I’m not exciting or interesting, but I will have vigorous, missionary intercourse with you while we listen to a state-owned radio feed broadcasting Judeo-Christian messages at us. So let’s just take our pants off and get this over with.

 

Rand Paul (RIP)

Ran

I normally hate socialism, but your photos make me want to redistribute blood flow from my brain to another part of my body. Let me buy you a drink sometime. I know this great Fountainhead-themed bar that only takes bitcoin.   

I can’t wait to introduce you to my dad!

Donald Trump

Donald and Ivanaka

Did you read this? The polls are saying I have more tinder matches than any other candidate. Incredible! You’ve probably been wasting all your time and money dating a real low energy guy that probably put you to sleep. Or maybe he’s just a pussy? I don’t know, I don’t know. I didn’t say that. That’s just what I’m hearing.  

Well if you’re not a whiner or a loser you’d be delighted to go on a  date with me where I’ll discuss how we’re losing this country and how nobody is afraid of us anymore because of the Muslims. When I sense you losing interest I’ll start yelling about how we need to build a yuuge, beautiful wall with a tiny door in it and make Mexico pay for it, since that seems to get people really excited.

Then I’ll take you back to one of my many big, beautiful properties that definitely didn’t bankrupt me. People are saying they really are just the best. I come here with my beautiful daughter Ivanka all the time. It’s not incest if you’re a billionaire, by the way. Look it up. Anyways, we will have an amazing time and it will be such a perfect date when I’m in charge that you’ll want to marry me on the spot and make The Donald some babies again.

Marco Rubio

Robo Rubio

Obama knows exactly what he’s doing

Hey , I want too have sex with horny Reppublicans who are also skilled in and very intimate in bed? If you are of the same executive qualifications as mine, well save time meeting me at http://bit.ly/Ruuubiosex16 and see if we can have a new American century gf experience in bed.

Obama knows exactly what he’s doing

Why don’t you join me? Or donate to my campiagn? I’m waiting for you ,, sexxy

Obama knows exactly what he’s doing

Obama knows exactly what he’s doing


Hillary Clinton

Howdy-do, young voter!

Hello! It me. Your future bae. Netflix and Chillary. We all know that you’re going to date me for the next four to eight years and the fact that we even have to go through the charade of pretending that you’d date someone else first is frankly just so beneath me.

I know this great bar down by Wall Street that Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein brought me to once. He paid me $675,000 to drink with him, but boy I sure do hate him so much! Wall Street just makes me mad A F! They really do! Also please don’t pay attention to anything you may have heard about my past dating history. Yeah, I took a lot of dates to fratty bars and tried to  significantly increase the number of privately owned prisons in the 90’s but look, that’s not what I’m about anymore! We both know I’m the only person qualified to lead you into a new life together (#squadgoals), and frankly I don’t know how you can decide to not go out with me without outing yourself as some kind of shrill, misogynistic bro troll. Besides, I know this great Libyan restaurant we can go to that’s to die for. I’ll email you the details from my personal address.

Want to see me do “the dab”?

 

Ben Carson

Pictured: The only neurosurgeon to separate conjoined twins without knowing what science is.

Pictured: The only neurosurgeon to separate conjoined twins without knowing what science is.

Did you know Jesus hid grain in the pyramids? One time I stabbed a guy. Let’s have sex now before you forget I exist.